Its a him issue. His friends also wouldnt let their wives go? I just want to highlight this since some commenters are piling on about the husband being some kind of chauvinist keeping women down. Theres like 1 hour of down time. Vegas flights and hotels are cheap compared to anywhere else with their size convention/conference space. Youre an adult, OP! Ive been to one (and my husband was only jealous of the food), and while I dont like Vegas myself, I cant deny that the Venetian knows how to run a conference. If I had succeeded in keeping my mom from ever leaving the house, I would have started obsessing about the iron falling off the board and burning the house down, or everything flooding, or, or, or. Even if it was a relatively nice day, the fact that there was snow on the road would just give him fits. Thats a very important distinction to make, between thing in and not in the LWs control. It doesnt mean you dont love him, and it doesnt mean either of you are bad people. Captain Awkward is amazing when answering questions about control, manipulation, and gaslighting. Ive been to far more dangerous places. :D. There is nothing unwholesome about Vegas and plenty of reputable companies send their employees there for conferences because the city is set up for it with numerous transportation, hotel and food options. Its hard enough to be a single lady without constantly watching single ladies being attacked!! Studies show that men who are outearned by their wives and cannot cover the households bills with their own income generally act out more about their successful wives. So, OPs husband would be fine if she was going on a business trip to Dullsville or Normalville or even New York City, but because shes going to Vegas, specifically, he has an issue. :( Her husband seems like an abuser. At the end of the day, the big problem with his indifference is the burden it puts on you to be the functioning adult in the relationship. You get attention, you often get attempts at comfort, sometimes you get a hug; these are all rewarding. Or I can save you the time and point out that I characterized him as jealous and controlling, and never used the word yall seem determined to stick in my mouth. Hopefully hes open to counseling/therapy, but if hes not, and he instead doubles down on not letting you travel (regardless of destination), I do think you need to consider an exit strategy. Last time you went on a business trip, you spent the entire time dealing with his feelings about it instead of focusing of what you were actually there to do. Unless youre her son. I know its easier to say Leave him! to someone else than it is to actually leave your spouse but please know that leaving him over this would not be an overreaction. Gift of fear is fine for some things, but lacking in partnership issues advice and perspective. Many of my colleagues bring their spouse on conferences as a mini vacay for the fun of exploring new cities. You would have to go out of your way to find a casino, a lavish bar with topless entertainment, or an escort service. Instead, things got worse. I need you to stop doing that. (Im also concerned that hes collecting votes from his friends about whether to allow you to golike, wow, not only does he not trust you to make a decision, hes giving you a whole list of people who he apparently trusts more than you?) It is NOT his choice whether you go! The kidnapping/roofie argument is the same nonsense my parents used to justify not letting my sister and me go to slumber parties but my brothers could go on trips to Europe. Ahh, I was wondering where he found all these friends. We look out for each other. While it has its own series of potential problems, leaving him in a hotel room in Vegas all day while shes in conferences might bore him into realizing the reality of the place. Either theyll know already that it doesnt work that way, or worse, theyll try it and end up handing more ammunition to the husband. It doesnt take the anxiety away, but it seemed to dull some of the crazier bits. When all youre seeing is airports, shuttle buses, the hotel, and a conference room, everything kind of looks the same. He is not being reasonable or rational, so dont even try to engage with him as if he is. I was fine. 5. But yeah, even then Im thinking more one-off or emergency situations at home, not I dont like that city!. Counseling is a great start. Its just Vegas (and Disney) are more designed to keep you inside their controlled, predictable corporate environment so as to better separate you from your money. But, OP, please take a hard look at your husband and his normal conduct. I go out of state to continuing education conferences, I dont know, once or twice a year. But, because of Vegass layout & security, those places are no where near the big hotels/conference centers. If you bring consoling up, will he go? $57 foie gras burgers and stuff, just total lunacy. Ill throw this out too just in case. Either hes lying, or hes manipulating these conversations so he hears only what he wants, or you guys need saner friends. As to the question of WHY businesses have meetings in Las Vegas, its because the hospitality industry there gets it. I was fine, nothing weird happened to me, but I wont stay off strip again. There are also lots of cool little museums as well. I certainly didnt forget that, in case anybodys wondering. Case in point: my father is terrified of everyone he loves dying and leaving him alone, to the point where I, as a 32 year old, was expected to text him and let him know when I left work, when I got home from work, if I was going out, if I was changing locations, etc. I am the main provider in our home, and it angers me that it seems he wants to sabotage my job because of his insecurities. Please specify a reason for deleting this reply from the community. Nah this isnt about irrational fears on his part, its about control. If he doesnt trust you, and is otherwise not riddled with anxiety, whats causing that? The reason companies go there is because theres big convention centers and lots of cheap flights. He is asking the wrong people. It is easy to go to Las Vegas and behave responsibly. But VEGAS?! I know you know this, Anonymous Poster, but I want to add something to this statement. You shouldnt be in a position to chose your career (which has very normal career expectations) and your marriage (which seems to have some very not normal expectations). Someone with this kind of insecure, controlling behavior could be sitting next to you 24/7 and theyd be wondering what you were thinking, if it got to that point. Speaking as someone whos wife spent 8 months of 10 days on site near Chicago, 4 days home over the last year after 8 years of her doing essentially no business travel, I know spouse separation anxiety far better than I care to both on my part, and my wife. Echoing this. Husband used to do this to me every time I drove anywhere in the winter. My spouse also has some anxiety issues, and will develop obsessive worries about certain irrational things. Never! When I was in grad school my mom once had a fit that I was walking home from class at around 4:45 pm on a random Tuesday evening. I also am a pretty straight laced married woman whos been in the same committed relationship for two decades and most of those trips were without my partner. I mean, we really cant say from the letter which it is, but its so easy to read into it either anxiety or controlling/toxic depending on what weve personally experienced. The only effective thing to do with anger is for one of you to walk away leave the house if you have to. Your stops will be longer because you'll have to take the baby out of the carseat for a little bit. We also were both active-duty for the first couple years we were together. Right on the top!! I think the fact that hes willing to go counseling (am I reading that correctly?) Hes worrying that someone might hurt her, too. Disordered anxiety changes shape to fit inside whatever container is available, which might be infidelity or kidnapping or alien abduction. Regardless of how we got here, its a problem that we as a couple are facing because of how Im viewing things.
How Do I Say No to a Vacation With My Parents? - The Cut Clearly youve been abducted. Yeah, support common technique, but we dont know what we dont know, till we know it. I came here to recommend asking Captain Awkward as well! Who thinks its normal to ask around if he should let his wife go on a business trip, etc. OP, I have a few questions: do you travel overnight to other places for your work? There are many issues at play here. A dancer charged a bunch of stuff on my credit card. (sees where incident happened) Or maybe, you bought 10 bottles of Cristal for strippers and then panicked when your accounting department asked for a receipt? Excuse me? This absolutely doesnt make the response of OPs husband right in any sense, but figuring out why they are feeling like this can be helpful and can help figure out where to go from there. Chances are the same thing would have happened in New York or San Francisco or wherever. My husband and I travel a lot for work- including to Vegas! Omg that sounds so much like my mom. The whole city is like a giant theme park for adults. ? and his friends being like yeah man, Vegas is a scummy place for scummy people. 20 Times Nature Gave Us Something Unusual to Admire, If You Have a Sweet Tooth, These 13 Products Will Help Pave the Way to Your Heart, 10 Amazing Things for Your Home That Are Extremely Cheap Right Now, 10 Best-Selling Products Thatll Make Your Bathroom Worthy of 5 Stars, How Much or How Little the Cast of Jurassic Park Has Changed 30 Years After the Films Release, 10 Tiny Items From Amazon That Can Make a Huge Difference in Your Home, A Woman Dresses Like Celebrities to Prove Any Size Can Be Stylish, How Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen On-Screen Rivalry Lead to the Best Hollywood Bromance in Real Life, 11 Times Celebrities Undermined Traditional Upbringing Methods, 7 Amazon Deals That Can Make Your Skin Glow Without Hurting Your Wallet, Monster-in-Law / New Line Cinema and co-producers. Same! OP, I saw one of your responses saying your husband is otherwise kind. Sometimes together (we work for the same agency), but mostly separate. Just the past 2 weeks Ive taken a 3-day hiking trip, completely alone, and also a trail running workshop weekend with a group of other runners. I think thats reasonable. He was worried about me, because I was over worked and only had about 4 hours of sleep per night. Ive been to Vegas a couple of times and saw a ton of business conferences and expos going on. Its just easier to non-committally agree with someone, especially when their view is bananas, than to get into a row with them and get involved in their marital issues. One of mine once told me that his mom felt that I was being very unfair to him and was devastated that she wouldnt get to plan our wedding. Not a geographic nexus of evil thats so perfect. AP, this is just a wonderful post. In these instance either hes cheating, Im cheating (not happening), or one of us is crazy. And his anxiety is HIS to manage, not hers. OPs husband doesnt seem like he would have mentioned it if it didnt support his own opinion. If I genuinely believed he was in danger, this would be insulting beyond words. Honestly, given his insistence that your company is basically trying to ruin your marriage by sending you on a business trip and the tenor of the conversations hes had with others about allowing you to do your damn job, my gut screams traditionalist underachieving man threatened by successful wife. But to throw the baby out with the bath water is beyond ridiculous. People buy life insurance for people they love all the time, and dont tell them to stay at home all the time to avoid the risks. Itd be easy for the husband to dismiss the wifes concerns as Well SHE wants to cheat. and a lot to it more than the Strip. He easily sleeps 4 hours. My husband and I both grew up in very traditional conservative homes, and so his support of my career means a lot to me. I thought my mom was the only one like this. Those were a big hit. As a non-gambler I found Las Vegas boring as hell. I might go if it were for a show I wanted to see that I couldnt attend anywhere else, or if I had to go for work. I strongly suspect it is not actually about Vegas, but perhaps a trip full of family friendly activities there could solve his issue if it is, in fact, about Vegas. Of course people can get into trouble in Las Vegas. He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go. Is this a relationship problem that could be remedied with counseling? Thats an unreasonable stance. This is the exact opposite of what youre suggesting, Ramona. Ive now chosen to travel for my job to offset he loneliness. At that time, she was eating about every 3-4 hours. Marriage counseling is good for me so I know how to commute to her and not roll my eyes and whisper not this again when she does go off the on a tangent. If I were married and my husband told me that he honestly thought so little of me that he assumed I would cheat on him because I was going to Vegas for a business conference, I would be heartbroken. By in linseneintopf mit kartoffeln. Entertainment loves to show affairs starting in the office, people lying about business trips when they have a whole nother family, etc. Her hotel room was amazing, and Im pretty sure it had a little museum in that hotel too. And dirt cheap which I am guessing is why so many business conferences are set at that location. It means the relationship ran its course and isnt bringing the two of you what you need any more, and thats sad, but its also not unusual. Vegas strip is basically just that a massive neon strip mall with lots of people. If it were me I would be seriously considering leaving the relationship especially if there are not already kids. Why would you visit Vegas when you live in NOLA, unless it was for work. -OPs husband, probably. Since its also a town that does very well at marketing itself as a destination for conferences (their facilities and amenities are really good, and I imagine their pricing is great because of demand is high enough to keep them low) then it makes sense that your work is choosing it as a place to send the managers since it sounds like an out of town conference is generally a thing they need to do. I have serious issues with anxiety and I read it the same way. Id dump him. It will also be a lot easier with a hotel stop overnight; we did not do this, but it still wasn't difficult. I dated a guy like that! Pricey, but worth it! Your husband is being unreasonable. I worry about things constantly. !1 into a discussion? You could likely even say to a bystander, hey something is weird here, and they would help you. Shopping! Adifficult orstressful situation with in-laws can cause undue stress and anxiety, making you feel rejected and undervalued. The most important part of travelling alone is that your lover is on the same page as you. I think OP and her husband are from a more conservative background. Interestingly, prostitution is a county-by-county decision in Nevada. What helped me was to realize that this is something Im prone to do, recognize it when its happening, and mentally tell myself whats real and whats not real. I call him every day to give him some reassurance that Im fine, and that helps. Speak to him about how he feels if you were to invite people over. Umm, so Im not sure how to say this in away that wont come off snarky, so let me apologize in advance for not be able to think of a good way to word this: This was not a questions for AAM. Personally, I think its far more likely that hes just using others or my friends agree as a generic point in his favor without actually having asked them. He may not listen and will keep bringing it up, but its worth a shot (and then repeating)! We are leaving Saturday for a vacation on Florida. The big hotels are super experienced and the conference ran just about as smoothly as something of that size possibly could. People who cheat assume everyone else will cheat, too. Im not going to be lured into seedy underworld just because its there! Which update is that? Marriage counseling is the only way you save this. Try to stop expecting reasonable behaviour from your spouse when hes in this anxious state. I would probably choose being single over him. The compromise? Counseling is legit, or ask him to come along. He needs to manage his insecurities and not force them all on you and your career. Not because marriage counseling is likely to stop the abuse you are right, it wont. Good luck to you both. His friends live in DC so I'm considering seeing if we could drive there first and spend the night w them (about five hours from where we live). Or is it just that hes an anxious person in general? Then they can work together to find a way to work with his fears, like maybe she checks in with him a few times a day at certain times. Vegas! . The no Go Fish rule was not present in my home, but I was told to respect the kidss parents whod made that rule and abide by it around those kids, because the rule seemed a reasonable difference between my parents and theirs (rather than wholly bizarre). The worrying about her cheating leads me to consider there might be a problem with control/abuse, possibly. Thats exactly what Im doing right now too and it will be so much better when I dont have to justify the work trip to my husband and I dont have to pander to his unfounded insecurities. When I was years into my emotionally abusive first marriage, I had a long list of all the ways he was great. That is not rational and that is not how business or marriages work. (Note: relationship = 3-4 months of long-distance dating, which I quickly realized was a Bad Idea.) I dont think people are misreading; I think that the phrasing is confusing but that context indicates its meaning. So when my sister and her then-boyfriend said they were taking a trip there, my first thought was that they shouldnt go because tourists are always killed horribly in Vegas (or are sometimes raped or kidnapped). I just love when you have the oh you too? moment with strangers on the internet. In no way am I saying if he does have anxiety its totally okay for him to be a controlling ass not at all. Mind you, I never told them that they shouldnt go (did tell my wife at the WTF? See some shows, enjoy some good food, go on a nice hike. I still think he worries about my safety a bit too much (and whoa, good Im not headed to war zones at this point in my career! The only time my husband would object to a business trip of this kind is if I had to fund it myself or if it was a conflict to another event on our calendar (wedding or family vacation). Obviously you were in horrific fiery car crash. Shes gone twice now and all they do is drink and gamble! Divorce is a valid option, if you choose to go down that road. If all else fails OP can blame in on an alien abduction. Instead, let yourself feel what youre feeling without judgment orshame. Me doing anything outside of our normal routine puts an additional child care burden on her, and vice versa. Answer (1 of 74): I can explain this with a story, which is below, but basically - you can't change someone else. Updated: June 23, 2020. Marriage should be about love, not control. Yeah, I was in Vegas just a couple of weeks ago. This is NOT putting a judgement on those activities, but all of them can and do carry a pretty significant risk load (money spent, possible diseases, lost time, etc) and thats why in general, society rates them as vices. Mothers anxious overprotectiveness would have destroyed me (and my relationship with her) if Id let it limit my life the way she wanted to (in the moment, when she was anxious). Married people travel for work all the time, even to cities with a greater-than-their-fair-share amount of vices around, and they typically behave responsibly and stay faithful. LWs spouse is overreacting for sure. I would have not reacted well to this if I were the best friend. Something tells me that his unofficial polling of his friends went something like this: Husband: Oh my god, can you believe the irresponsible way in which my wifes employer is taking them on a conference to Vegas. Then I realized that he was not being irrational he was worried, and it was not a burden for me just to check in once in awhile, especially if I am on unfamiliar dark roads. and I was gutted.
My husband never wants to go out and do things. I have to beg - Quora So, considering that this issue really could be either one, I suppose its no wonder were seeing a lot of both here and it feels like they arecompeting? DH and I took our little girl on a 14-hour car trip when she was 4 weeks old (she's 10 weeks now). I wonder if the husband is insecure that the wife is the primary breadwinner and might be subconsciously trying to sab0toge her career. Ive gone to Vegas for work and my husband just told me to have a good time and made jokes about what kind of stuff I might get up to while I was there because we knew Id mostly be bored and cranky with the work situation. Your argument is based on extremes. In this case, it sounds like OP is bearing the brunt of the disagreement and shes doing the lions share of being patient and accommodating the husband hes not doing much work to accommodate her needs. Note however, I dont think this excuses the employees OR means that its wrong to have a corporate event in Vegas. I might just be flinching at the use of the word wholesome, though. My spouse (temporarily) lives in a different state than me and if I call them and they dont answer my mind immediately assumes that theyve been in a car accident. Could also be a mix of the two, or something nobody has thought of yet. Last year when she went not only did I work my 2 jobs but I tiled our laundry room to stay busy and keep my mind on things. I dont see it as misogynist. Not that it makes it ok, at all. My mouth just kept falling wider and wider open. The whole letting her go thing could be controlling or abusive, but it could also refer less to physical ability to go there and more not letting her go in peace, or without a bunch of needy whining adult tantrums.